i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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