Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
