paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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