i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
