I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
