I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
