Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
