My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
