god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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