Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
