Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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