Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
