I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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