Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
