i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
