I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
