I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
