the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
