I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
