what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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