after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
