Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
