Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
