i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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