we have pet lesbian snakes
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
