I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
