they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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