I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
