How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
