He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Less talking, more tequila
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
