He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
