atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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