i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize