I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
