Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
