Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
