Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
