Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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