I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
