my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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