she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
