Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
