I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
