I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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