Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
