Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
