It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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