I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
