I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I will pee on everything he values.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
