WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
