So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
