they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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