Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
