How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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