If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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