I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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