wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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