tonight lets celebrate not being married
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
