She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
