He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
