Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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