I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
