I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
