a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
